From stephen.bailey at powerlase.com Tue Jan 2 11:24:30 2007 From: stephen.bailey at powerlase.com (Stephen Bailey) Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2007 16:24:30 -0000 Subject: [Jokes4u] Fwd: Passports 2007 Message-ID: ikb === >Subject: Fw: Passports 2007 > > >Dear Mr. Minister, >I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot >believe this. > >How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number >and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, >and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was >born and on what date? > >For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand? My birth >date, you have on my social insurance card, on all the >income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years, my health >insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last eight bloody >passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration >forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes >over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms >that are done at election times. > >Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my >mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and >I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and >when I die! > >I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really ticked off this >morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough! You send the >application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin' >address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals >workin' there?! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Ben >Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Araft, for crying out >loud. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach. >And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I >plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?! If I ever got the >urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, >I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! > >Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of >the city and get another bloody copy of my birth >certificate, to the tune of $60! > >Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same >spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same >day?? Nooooo, that'd be too easy! You'd rather have us running all >over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find >some bozo to confirm that it's really me on the stupid picture - >you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know >why we can't smile? We're ticked off! From SGBailey at iee.org Wed Jan 3 17:00:19 2007 From: SGBailey at iee.org (Steve Bailey) Date: Wed, 03 Jan 2007 22:00:19 +0000 Subject: [Jokes4u] 2 jokes Message-ID: <459C2773.2010403@iee.org> fc-list ======= A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "How much material did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house, and enough for my son's house, and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber." ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 AM and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those 2 guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. From SGBailey at iee.org Fri Jan 5 18:37:20 2007 From: SGBailey at iee.org (Steve Bailey) Date: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 23:37:20 +0000 Subject: [Jokes4u] joke Message-ID: <459EE130.5000703@iee.org> fc-list === A magician worked on a wealthy (and generous) merchant's trading ship to keep the crews entertained. Given scurvy and general bad living, the turnover of sailors was quite heavy, allowing the magician to get away with doing the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all the captain's parrot. Then the ship hit a reef and sank in minutes. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where've you hidden the ship?" From SGBailey at iee.org Fri Jan 5 18:43:18 2007 From: SGBailey at iee.org (Steve Bailey) Date: Fri, 05 Jan 2007 23:43:18 +0000 Subject: [Jokes4u] price & jordan CD! Message-ID: <459EE296.7080608@iee.org> An article about it - http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/01/02/amazon_reviews/ And the reviews themselves - magnificent - http://www.tiny.cc/B54Mq Believe me, you have *got* to read these reviews. And add your own! :) From stuart at brook.ca Fri Jan 5 19:21:55 2007 From: stuart at brook.ca (Stuart Brook) Date: Fri, 5 Jan 2007 19:21:55 -0500 Subject: [Jokes4u] price & jordan CD! In-Reply-To: <459EE296.7080608@iee.org> Message-ID: <200715192155.550329@notabob2> On Fri, 05 Jan 2007 23:43:18 +0000, Steve Bailey wrote: >?An article about it - >?http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/01/02/amazon_reviews/ > >?And the reviews themselves - magnificent - http://www.tiny.cc/B54Mq > >?Believe me, you have *got* to read these reviews. And add your own! >?:) > > >?_______________________________________________ jokes4u mailing >?list jokes4u at stocton.org >?http://seven.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/jokes4u Why does one get the impression that these were all written by one person? From stephen.bailey at powerlase.com Fri Jan 12 09:27:09 2007 From: stephen.bailey at powerlase.com (Stephen Bailey) Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2007 14:27:09 -0000 Subject: [Jokes4u] FW: For Your Amusement Message-ID: I think these have been round before - they are still smile-worthy. === >Airline Repairs... > >Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly >a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. > >Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs and those of >you who fly occasionally. > >After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe >sheet," >which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics >correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then >pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. > >Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are >some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked >with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance >engineers. > >By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had >an accident. > >P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. >S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. > >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. > >P: Something loose in cockpit. >S: Something tightened in cockpit. > >P: Dead bugs on windshield. >S: Live bugs on back-order. > >P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute >descent. >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. > >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. >S: Evidence removed. > >P: DME volume unbelievably loud . >S: DME volume set to more believable level. > >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. >S: That's what friction locks are for. > >P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. > >P: Suspected crack in windshield. >S: Suspect you're right. > >P: Number 3 engine missing. >S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. > >P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. > >P: Target radar hums. >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. > >P: Mouse in cockpit. >S: Cat installed. > >P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget >pounding on something with a hammer. >S: Took hammer away from midget > > > > >They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you have to >answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very >embarrassing. > >There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell >her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most >of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it: > >An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the >desk.... > >The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for >today?" > >"There's something wrong with my d*ck", he replied. > >The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a >crowded waiting room and say things like that." > >"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. > >The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this >room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with >your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor >in private." > >The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of >strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." > >The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. > >The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" > >There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. > >The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her >advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" > >"I can't p*ss out of it," he replied. > >The waiting room erupted in laughter. > >Mess with OAP's and you're gonna lose! > From SGBailey at iee.org Mon Jan 22 18:47:23 2007 From: SGBailey at iee.org (Steve Bailey) Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2007 23:47:23 +0000 Subject: [Jokes4u] Fwd: B&Q warning Message-ID: <45B54D0B.7030309@iee.org> ikb === > I'm not usually one for warnings, but I had another close miss the other > day. I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange > asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and > that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. >